Our relationship resembles that of an affair. We hid them in secret folders in apps on our phones, locked to keep them safe. We secretly met up with each other and took selfies that would never see the light of day. We only told close friends, I told one of my siblings, and he told one of his. If anyone knew we loved each other, we wouldn’t be allowed to get married. When things became more serious, we began talking about marriage, a topic that was inevitable for both of us as conservative traditional Muslims. He gave me his phone number, we caught up and talked all night. I am aware that LinkedIn isn’t a dating site, but I couldn’t resist the urge to reconnect with him, and I haven’t regretted that decision once. I took the leap again and messaged him first. This brought me to adding old high school friends, including my good friend, Ahmad. I began adding anyone and everyone I had ever had contact with.
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After high school graduation, I lost contact with him and moved back to the US to finish my studies.Īfter I graduated from University, I created a LinkedIn account to build a professional profile. I messaged him first, and we quickly became good friends. Outside of school, however, students are able to find each other through social media like Facebook, WhatsApp, Kik, and Askfm. Schools in the Middle East often have strict gender segregation. Ironically enough, we met in school in Palestine. I know he feels pressure to try to marry me before someone else does, but I always reassure him there isn’t anyone else I would ever agree to be with.Īhmad and I are from similar cultural backgrounds. Now approaching my 25th birthday, I feel more and more pressure from my parents to settle down and finally accept a proposal (from a Muslim, Palestinian male suitor, and no one else).Īlthough Ahmad and I are extremely secure in our relationship, it’s hard for him to hear about other men asking to marry me. The first time a man asked my parents for my hand in marriage was when I was 15. One of the reasons I dislike Middle Eastern marriage traditions is that a man could know nothing about you except how you look and decide that you should be the mother of his children and his eternal lover. Only a handful of people know about us, including his sister, with whom I can always share exciting plans or pictures, and vent to her about small fights we have. I text him throughout the day-there isn’t anything in my life I hide from him. I call him on the way to work, the way home, and late at night when my parents are asleep. I scroll through my contacts and find the name “Ayah,” the name I’ve given my boyfriend Ahmad*. Even having a man’s phone number would anger my parents.
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I was convinced.įast forward 20 years later, I still talk to boys without my mother’s knowledge. He responded, “We can’t talk in English, but maybe we can keep talking in Arabic together.” I smiled. When we arrived at the house, she turned around to look at me and said, “We don’t talk to boys, especially not to Arab boys.” The next day, I saw my friend in the schoolyard, I told him my mother said we cannot talk to each other.
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During the car ride home, I was excitedly telling my mother that there was another Arab boy in my class. One of my earliest memories of withholding the truth is when I was in kindergarten. I consider myself a fairly honest person, but when it comes to my family and my traditional Muslim community, I lead a double life. My boyfriend and I are in a secret relationship, and that is the only way our relationship could possibly function. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this article belong solely to the author and are not necessarily based on research conducted by The Gottman Institute. Through the stories and experiences shared in Real Relationships, we aim to paint a more realistic picture of love in the world today. Editor’s Note: We’ve been studying relationships for the last four decades, but we still have so much to learn.